My Lifestyle, Right or Wrong

I'm very proud that in this country, we can live a fast-paced, busy, urban type of lifestyle - the type of lifestyle that includes the right to wear bicycle shorts, even if we look like globs of deep-fried dough dropped into water.

I am proud to have my own personal lifestyle - though I don't actually have it, I only sort of participate in it, along with several major credit organizations. But I am proud to do it anyway, because in a dim light it often resembles a real life.

There are more things I am proud of. I am proud to support America's effort to defend our lifestyle, even as we speak, against those who would take it from us. And, yes, I'm proud to live in a country that would wage war over a lifestyle. My lifestyle, right or wrong.

So you may be as concerned as I am to learn: There are people in America who don't take their lifestyle seriously.

I mean it. Some folks out there - you may even know some - don't treat their lifestyle with the respect it deserves.

They don't tell friends about it at the health club, they don't keep it updated, often they don't even think about it. It sounds hard to believe - maybe not as hard to believe as the fact that Richard Simmons is still alive - but it's true.

I say, if we can squander lives defending our lifestyle, we should damn well act like it means something to us.

Therefore, it is my modest proposal that everyone in America be required to choose and maintain a lifestyle, as a matter of public record. Those who can't choose should have a lifestyle assigned them. We should do this immediately.

Mandatory Lifestyle Selection would carry the benefits of: 1) helping you know yourself better, 2) helping your community know you better, 3) helping you make better purchasing decisions, and 4) helping you understand why I'll never hold public office.

In most cases, simply declaring the lifestyle before a notary public should be sufficient. In times of crisis, however, it may become necessary to register your lifestyle with city hall, for national security.

Choosing should be easy. We have an abundance of convenient lifestyles, right here in America, all ready for use. We have corporate lifestyles, family lifestyles, religious lifestyles and nude lifestyles. We have ambitious lifestyles, casual lifestyles, lifestyles of the rich and famous. We have lifestyles of many styles, all represented by talented role models modeling the latest roles.

I personally am signing up for the Poor Poet lifestyle, which has advantages such as the right to look vague and dreamy, even if, for example, your child has just set fire to the cat. You also get to wear 20-year-old tweed sport coats to formal occasions, and forget what time evening usually occurs.

A pool does not come with this lifestyle, however. If you want the pool, your best bet is to go with the Suburban Feudal Lord lifestyle, a very popular choice, which also includes a big house with a two-car garage, attractive siding, a lawn mower, angina pills, orthodontia bills, and often a pair of plywood lawn cows.

Another popular lifestyle is the Clawing Your Way to the Top lifestyle, which involves smirking obsequiously in the presence of bosses, and driving around in an old Porsche that looks ultracool, though it runs like doodoo.

Unfortunately, lifestyle switching would be discouraged after age 35, unless you can demonstrate clear financial need.

© Rob Laymon 2002

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