My Lifestyle, Right or Wrong
I'm
very proud that in this country, we can live a fast-paced, busy, urban
type of lifestyle - the type of lifestyle that includes the right to wear
bicycle shorts, even if we look like globs of deep-fried dough dropped
into water.
I
am proud to have my own personal lifestyle - though I don't actually have
it, I only sort of participate in it, along with several major credit
organizations. But I am proud to do it anyway, because in a dim light it
often resembles a real life.
There are more things I am proud of. I am proud to support America's effort to defend our lifestyle, even as we speak, against those who would take it from us. And, yes, I'm proud to live in a country that would wage war over a lifestyle. My lifestyle, right or wrong.
So
you may be as concerned as I am to learn: There are people in America who
don't take their lifestyle seriously.
I
mean it. Some folks out there - you may even know some - don't treat their
lifestyle with the respect it deserves.
They
don't tell friends about it at the health club, they don't keep it
updated, often they don't even think about it. It sounds hard to believe -
maybe not as hard to believe as the fact that Richard Simmons is still
alive - but it's true.
I
say, if we can squander lives defending our lifestyle, we should damn well
act like it means something to us.
Therefore,
it is my modest proposal that everyone in America be required to choose
and maintain a lifestyle, as a matter of public record. Those who can't
choose should have a lifestyle assigned them. We should do this
immediately.
Mandatory
Lifestyle Selection would carry the benefits of: 1) helping you know
yourself better, 2) helping your community know you better, 3) helping you
make better purchasing decisions, and 4) helping you understand why I'll
never hold public office.
In
most cases, simply declaring the lifestyle before a notary public should
be sufficient. In times of crisis, however, it may become necessary to
register your lifestyle with city hall, for national security.
Choosing
should be easy. We have an abundance of convenient lifestyles, right here
in America, all ready for use. We have corporate lifestyles, family
lifestyles, religious lifestyles and nude lifestyles. We have ambitious
lifestyles, casual lifestyles, lifestyles of the rich and famous. We have
lifestyles of many styles, all represented by talented role models
modeling the latest roles.
I
personally am signing up for the Poor Poet lifestyle, which has advantages
such as the right to look vague and dreamy, even if, for example, your
child has just set fire to the cat. You also get to wear 20-year-old tweed
sport coats to formal occasions, and forget what time evening usually
occurs.
A
pool does not come with this lifestyle, however. If you want the pool,
your best bet is to go with the Suburban Feudal Lord lifestyle, a very
popular choice, which also includes a big house with a two-car garage,
attractive siding, a lawn mower, angina pills, orthodontia bills, and
often a pair of plywood lawn cows.
Another
popular lifestyle is the Clawing Your Way to the Top lifestyle, which
involves smirking obsequiously in the presence of bosses, and driving
around in an old Porsche that looks ultracool, though it runs like doodoo.
Unfortunately,
lifestyle switching would be discouraged after age 35, unless you can
demonstrate clear financial need.
© Rob Laymon 2002
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