(Dial. Ring. Answer:)

Thank you for calling Spatula Communications, contender in the New Jersey local phone service sweepstakes. For information on the happy family of Spatula Communication Products, press one. For information on making Spatula your local-service provider, press two. To learn how at Spatula we're making life more complicated, press three.

(Press three.)

Welcome to Spatula Communications. As you know, the New Jersey Board of Public Utilities recently approved competition in New Jersey's $1.5 billion local telephone service market. If you think this is a lot of money, press one.

(Press.)

Thank you. The ruling by the BPU will end Bell Atlantic's de facto monopoly on local service, and allow other companies to compete in this market. If you think Bell Atlantic makes too much money as it is, press five.

(Press.)

Thank you. It should be noted that the BPU's ruling will only allow other giant long-distance carriers, such as AT&T, MCI and Spatula, to compete in the local market, not small carriers, such as you and I would run out of our garage, and get rich on. If you'd like to see all the big carriers get hanged together, spell the word A-M-E-N on your keypad.

(Press press press press.)

Thank you. The move will also allow Bell Atlantic to concentrate on developing its long-distance competitiveness, say company spokespersons, whose physical bodies no longer exist, but whose voices are kept alive on digital recordings. If you would like to register a comment, choose one of the following:

For “Why don't they let me compete in the local service market; I'd like to be rich too,” press one.

For “Is this the Social Security office? Where is the Social Security office?,” press two.

For “Please, God, just simple inexpensive telephone service is all I need; forget cable, forget Internet access, just give me a plain telephone,” press three.

(Press.)

Thank you. Your comments will be recorded and sent to the appropriate database and then the system will crash and they'll be lost, along with your savings account information. If you would like to send us $100 to make sure this doesn't happen, press four.

(Press.)

Thank you. As an aspiring service provider, Spatula is committed to bringing you top-quality service and service options in the form of:

- Pleasant music to enjoy while on hold, consisting of suave-sounding electric guitars and bongo drums and a recorded voice telling you it's smart to choose Spatula.

- Operators who will ask you for your social security number.

- Tons of junk mail once we learn your address and sell it to mailing companies.

- Many push-button options such as those you are utilizing right now.

- The quality assurance guarantee that any message left with us will be answered within the year.

If you'd like to wish that the telephone had never been invented, press one.

(Press.)

Thank you. And thank you for choosing Spatula, the company that guarantess you'll be unaware of increased costs for the first year.